Post Baby Body

During my pregnancy with Ellen I ate when I was hungry, which was pretty much all the time, and ended up right in the middle of the recommended 25-35 pound weight gain, gaining 30 pounds by the end of my pregnancy. I also did not exercise much at all. I did some walking, but mostly just kept active with normal day to day activities. The 30 pounds was very much concentrated to my belly, and on my 6'1" frame it didn't look all that significant. My office colleagues had a betting pool on the birth weight of my baby and almost everyone thought she'd be small - 6 or 6 1/2 pounds. I knew that even if I didn't look that big, my baby would be pretty big, so was pleased when she popped out at a robust 7lbs 15oz.

I dropped the baby weight very quickly. 2 weeks post-partum I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight and actually struggling to keep weight on, which I knew was very important because I was breastfeeding for Ellen's first four weeks. I won't lie - the fast weight loss was mostly because I was extremely anxious and stressed, and my hormones were all over the place. The end result was that I barely ate anything for 2 weeks. A quick weight loss recipe, though I wish it hadn't happened like that.

Now I'm over 3 months post baby, maintaining almost exactly my pre-pregnancy weight, but I am seriously out of shape from not working out seriously for the past year. I took a 3 mile walk last weekend and was actually sore for the two days afterward. Pretty sad for someone who considers myself a healthy, athletic person.

So, I need to start increasing my activity to something other than carrying around my 13 1/2 pound infant. I'm going to start slow and just commit to going on a 1/2 hour walk three times a week. I'm working from home 2 days/week, so if I head out on my walk right after work hours, before Chris and Ellen get home, I can fit in 30 minutes outside. Add a weekend walk, and I'm at my 3 day goal. We're thinking of getting some exercise equipment for our spare basement room, so I can increase my activity level and incorporate weights and other forms of exercise this spring.

The goal is definitely NOT weight loss, but to no longer be so sedentary! I know I feel much better physically and mentally when I'm more active. I'm excited to get going and get in shape again!

The Little Things

I've always thought that I would have two children, but there's a fair chance that we'll remain a family of three. Infertility issues aside, I can see a life with one child (especially one as awesome as Ellen) continuing to be pretty great. Frankly, the financial and emotional commitment of having another child seems daunting at the moment, though I wouldn't rule anything out quite yet.

Since I'm not sure about having another child, I'm trying to soak up each little stage that Ellen goes through. It's really exciting to watch her grow and develop, and I'm finding myself getting sentimental and sad about the little things that change with her. So the latest change that's hit me hard is that she is losing her newborn hair.

Ellen was born with thick spiky hair at the back of her head and only sparse hair at the front, basically like a 40 year old man with a receding hair line - we dubbed it her "warrior hair" due to the spikiness. Her warrior hair will always stick in my memory because of the crazy doctor who delivered her. The morning Ellen was born, I was fully dilated pretty much right at 8am when the doctors and nurses on the night shift headed home and the day shift folks started. So, Dr. Goldstein came in around 8am, super energetic and pumped up to start his morning by delivering my baby. Since I had had the epidural at that point, I was relaxed and enjoyed his funny personality. He and the nurse were great coaches as I started to push, and soon the top of Ellen's head appeared. Dr. Goldstein exclaimed about how much hair Ellen had and proceeded to jokingly shape it into a mohawk while she was still inside me. Weird, huh? Never expected delivering a baby to involve infant hair styling.

I've come to love Ellen's balding/warrior hair over the last few months, and a few days ago I noticed that she's losing it. The inside of her winter MN Twins hat and her rainforest bouncy chair are covered with little warrior hairs. And the realization made me tear up a bit. I will miss rubbing that soft downy newborn hair of hers.

Apparently baby hair loss is very normal, and her "real" hair will grow in in a few months or so. I wonder if she'll take after both her parents and have blond hair that slowly turns darker. Time will tell. In the meantime I'll have to mourn her warrior hair and the end of one very adorable part of her infancy.

Working Mom, Daycare Baby

We're 2 weeks in to our new routine of Mom at work and Ellen at daycare. My experience as a stay at home mom during my maternity leave was mixed (more on that in a later post), and while I felt ready to return to work when the calendar turned to February, it's been difficult to be away from Ellen while I'm at work and she's at daycare. The timing of maternity leave is unfortunate, since I'd say the first 6-8 weeks of Ellen's life were really hard (adjusting to a major life transition/not much sleep for Mom and Dad/newborns are demanding without giving much back). Once Ellen hit the 8 week mark, I started feeling a lot more competent as a parent, she was smiling regularly and sleeping better at night, and we had started to get into a nice groove at home. The last 4 weeks of my leave flew by, and left me feeling like your standard 12 week maternity leave (at least for those of us in the US) ends soon after the real fun of being a parent begins.

Drop-off this morning was actually the most difficult one yet since Ellen came down with a cold (stuffy nose and cough) yesterday morning. It felt wrong to hand my sniffly baby over to someone else for the day. So she made it two weeks before succumbing to illness from daycare. I expected she would get sick sooner than later, as nearly all the babies in her classroom were sick her first week. We're trying to look at the bright side and appreciate that she's building her immunity...

Other than sickness, daycare's going fine. Ellen's at a YMCA daycare center about a mile from our house on my way to work. She was initially going to go to a home daycare just down the street, but I had second thoughts after Ellen and I visited in December and found a really chaotic environment full of active, aggressive toddlers. We were on the waiting list for a few daycare centers, and fortunately a spot at the YMCA opened up at the exact right time.

Even though it's $90 more/week than the home daycare, we decided it is the right environment for Ellen - the caretaker/child ratio is better, she's with other infants (so we know everything's age-appropriate), the center is accredited, and the people are very friendly and seem engaged with the children. We were planning to move her to a center when she reached about a year old anyway, so it made sense to start at the YMCA now and not worry about transitioning to a new environment when she gets older. We get a 'daily note' at the end of each day that outlines when she ate, slept and was changed, and her primary teacher also gives a brief overview of her day. It's not as good as actually being with her, but at least I get a glimpse into what her days are like. Through the daily note we find out fun stuff like she actually likes "relaxing" in the swing at daycare (she can't stand the swing at home) and sat in the bumbo for the first time (which made us break it out at home this weekend).

And as for the home daycare...I felt somewhat bad about bailing on them after having held a spot for several months until I drove by the house the week before going back to work and saw one of the caregivers smoking on the porch. And they claim to have a smoke-free environment. I'm relieved I went with my gut and chose the YMCA center for my girl - I would never put her in a smoky environment and we would have had to do some serious scrambling to change providers at the very last minute.

My work life is going well. I am so fortunate to have a very understanding and flexible boss who has three children of her own. So I am able to work 2 days/week from home, and am working an earlier schedule (8am-4pm rather than 9am-5pm) so I can have at least a few minutes with Ellen before her bedtime. I probably spend too much time everyday thinking of my little one and wondering how she's doing, but I'm able to focus in on work and feel satisfaction from earning money for our family again (even though about 1/2 my take home pay is going to daycare).

I'm sure we'll have some bumps along the way as we get settled into our new normal, but I'm optimistic we'll all do well.

One Year Ago

With Ellen hitting the 3 month mark, my thoughts turn to one year ago, when Chris and I were struggling with infertility and going through our second IUI (intrauterine insemination, for you not familiar with the IF world) cycle. I think it's important to share our experience trying to get pregnant with Ellen since so many people are affected by infertility, and yet it's not talked about much.

I went off the pill in December of 2009, excitedly thinking that I would follow in the super fertile steps of my mom and sister and we would be pregnant within a few months. In late January, I still hadn't gotten a period and thought we might have been lucky enough to get pregnant the first month. How wrong I was! At this point I think a timeline is in order:

March 2010: still no period, negative pregnancy test. My GYN prescribes 5 days of provera, which should "kick start" my period. I get the faintest of spotting, but then nothing. The "kick start" failed.

April 2010: I start a mission to figure out what's going on with my body. After much self reflection and research, I face up to the fact that being underweight for many years is the problem and self-diagnose myself with hypothalamic amenorrhea (HA). I start tracking fertility signs (thanks to an excellent book: Taking Charge of Your Fertility) and realize my body's not even thinking about ovulating. On April 20, I decide to dedicate myself to gaining weight to get to a healthy BMI and get my period back.

May-June 2010: I met with a nutritionist in early May and came up with an action plan to gain 15 pounds. The weeks that followed were an amazingly empowering and satisfying period, as I slowly gained weight through a "fertility" diet complete with whole milk, peanut butter, and really whatever else I felt like eating. I was also biking the 8 miles to and from work at least 3 days/week, so I felt strong, healthy, and in great shape as I gained the weight. The highlight of this time was easily hiking to the top of Gros Piton, the highest peak in St. Lucia, on my 29th birthday during a fantastic vacation. I had recovered from an eating disorder in 2005, gaining about 15 pounds that year to a weight I felt comfortable and happy at, but I finally knew I still had more weight to gain until I was at a weight that would allow me to cycle again and have a baby. In addition to gaining weight, I also tried acupuncture during this time, but stopped after a few visits since it was too expensive.

July 2010: still no period, so I had my first visit to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). He confirmed my self-diagnosis of hypothalamic amenorrhea and agreed that additional weight gain would be helpful. Hormonal tests revealed my LH and estrogen levels to be quite low. An ultrasound revealed a perfectly normal uterus but very thin lining and many small follicles in my ovaries (indicative of PCOS, but really just my body recovering from HA). I gave the fertility drug clomid a go for the first time at the lowest possible dose, but didn't respond.

August-September 2010: two monitored (by ultrasounds) medicated clomid cycles lead to ovulation but not pregnancy.

October 2010: I take a break from medication and actually get a period on my own! But it's a long cycle with a very short luteal phase. The weight gain is working! Also have an HSG procedure that shows clear fallopian tubes. We enjoy a trip to Athens, and in retrospect it's a good thing I wasn't pregnant for such a big trip (filled with liters of wine and plenty of beer).

November-December 2010: actually cycling on my own without medication, but my cycles are super long and my natural luteal phase is way too short to allow for pregnancy.

January 2011: delve back into the world of fertility medication. My RE and I decide to give an IUI a go in addition to clomid and an ovidrel trigger shot. First IUI cycle fails, and I didn't even drink when on vacation in FL during the two week wait. Bummed to have missed out on beer and hot tubs...

February 2011: so you know that this was the successful cycle, since it is exactly a year ago! After January's failed IUI, we decide to give an IUI one more try in February. If it wasn't successful, I was going to back off fertility treatments and see what my body could do on its own. Once again, I was on a fun vacation during my two week wait post-IUI, this time to Austin, TX. I stayed with a close friend who had a 2 month old baby. Little Brydon was wonderful, but his parents also were quite honest with me about how hard it is to have a baby, and I remember wondering if I would be up for the monumental task of parenthood.

March 2011: A few days after I got home from Austin, I started spotting and figured the cycle was a bust. I drank a big glass of red wine, started off the next day with a cup of coffee and finished it with another glass of wine. The following day the spotting hadn't intensified to a full period, so I bought a pregnancy test on the way home from work "just to be sure" before I finished that bottle of wine! And lo and behold, the test was positive. Chris was working late, so when he finally got home, I showed him the positive pregnancy test. We were concerned about the continued spotting, so tried not to get too excited. We had to wait out the weekend before I could go in to my RE's office for a blood test, and that Monday's test confirmed the pregnancy! I had a few additional blood tests over the next week or two that indicated HCG was increasing at a good rate, and I started progesterone suppositories that stopped the spotting.

The rest of 2011 until Ellen's birth in November was a blur of the excitement that comes with a first pregnancy. Morning sickness, ultrasounds, the fun of telling others our good news, buying and starting to fit into maternity clothes, finding out the gender, feeling the first kicks. It was a wonderful experience that I will never forget. And now holding my daughter in my arms is another incredible experience.

The 13 months that we tried to get pregnant were difficult, and as I look back on it, I have a few takeaway:

1. I couldn't have gotten through it without support and encouragement from others. Some of this was online - I found an amazing blog "No Period Baby" and a Hypothalamic Amenorrhea posting board. I also spoke with other friends who had dealt with infertility - and there were a lot. At least 1/2 my close girlfriends had at least some issue getting pregnant. And of course my husband and family were incredibly supportive.

2. I was incredibly lucky to have excellent health insurance. A lot of plans do not cover infertility treatments, but my plan covered everything. All the appointments, ultrasounds, and a good portion of the fertility drugs were covered. This saved us many thousands of dollars.

3. I was lucky that my issue with infertility was relatively easy to overcome. It took gaining 10 pounds to get myself to a healthier weight, and a relatively easy procedure in the IUI. So many others struggle with much more difficult IF issues.

4. Through the experience, I learned how important it is to be truly healthy - which doesn't mean being super thin. The concept of a healthy weight can get lost in a society that's obsessed with weight loss. It was hard at times to focus on weight gain when everyone talks about weight loss. But as I gained the weight, a lot of people started telling me I looked great - better than I did at a lower weight. I still haven't gotten a period back after giving birth, but I'm doing my best to keep my weight up to where it was when I conceived Ellen and hope to be cycling again soon. I'm not nearly ready to have a second child, but I hope my healthier self will make it much easier to get knocked up the second time around if/when we're ready!

So that's our story. A long journey that resulted in our beautiful daughter.

Ellen at 3 Months

Can't believe we've already made it to 3 months....the "4th trimester" is over!

Ellen is 13 weeks old today, and tomorrow marks the completion of 3 full months in the outside world! Funny to think that she was 1/2 the age she is now when I last blogged on Christmas Eve. Since my last entry, she's changed remarkably, and Chris and I are starting to feel at least somewhat competent at this whole parenthood thing (though I still feel that may change at any moment!).

We are currently getting used to our new routine of Mom at work and Ellen at daycare. So far, so good. Ellen seems to be doing well at daycare and I'm doing well at work. It's hard to drop her off each day, but I think she's getting lots of good attention and stimulation each day, and I can exercise my brain in a way I wasn't during maternity leave.

Here's an update of Ellen's life at 3 months:

• Growth: She is growing like a weed and fitting comfortably in 6 month clothing. She's extremely long and still fairly lean, though she's definitely filling out. She now has chub and folds in her legs and a little pot belly that she proudly displays during her nightly bath. We estimate that she's about 13-14 pounds and 26" or so long. So far it looks like the shorty genes from her extended families are not dominant - she may be tall like her parents after all.

• Eating: Ellen continues to have a great appetite. She's eating 5oz bottles about every three hours during the day, with usually one night feeding. Her digestive system seems to be working better than early on - she doesn't spit up as often, though that may be because we are careful to burp her well and keep her upright for awhile post-feeding. I've come to terms with my decision to stop breastfeeding, and Ellen seems happy as can be as a formula fed baby.
  

• Sleeping: Ellen has been a very good nighttime sleeper, but can have trouble napping during the day. But as our pediatrician says, "I'll take nighttime sleep over daytime sleep any day." She's been taking 2-3 short naps/day, averaging about 45 minutes each. We're working to get her on a morning and afternoon nap schedule and hope the naps will lengthen as she gets older, which apparently is common for a lot of kids. Since she's not napping well, she gets tired quite early. Our bedtime routine starts between 5 and 5:30pm. Chris gives her a bath (which she LOVES), then I take her up to her room, put her in her sleep sack, feed her, and put her in her crib to sleep. I've been putting her in her crib awake but drowsy. Most of the time she'll start crying after a few minutes, and I'll pick her up and console her for a minute, then put her down. Sometimes we have to repeat the pick up/put down routine a few times, other times she'll quiet and fall asleep after one pick up. She's usually asleep by 6:30pm or so. In the past week, she has slept through the night two times, and by that I mean from 6:30pm to 6:00am. We're hoping for more of those night! Usually she'll wake up between 1am and 3am to eat, then will go back to sleep until between 6am and 7am.

• Development: I've discovered that one of the coolest parts of being a parent is the excitement and joy that comes with watching your child learn and develop. Ellen is now really into her hands and is reaching out and grabbing her toys. She's still not quite sure what to do after she grabs something and usually lets go fairly quickly. She loves to bat the rattle and panda on her activity mat. Recently she's started sitting quietly when I read books to her - I'm not sure she's actually paying attention to what I'm doing, but she seems to tolerate it. She still doesn't have great head control, which I attribute to her very large noggin. How can she be expected to hold up something that's such a huge percentage of her body weight? But she's making strides every day. Probably the most exciting recent development is her interest in and sporadic ability to roll over from her back to her front! She has a very amusing technique - she lifts her legs up high, lets the leg weight carry her to her ride side (always the right side), and then struggles to make it to her front. Last Sunday she successfully rolled over all the way several times, but since then her lower arm is getting in the way and preventing her from getting fully onto her stomach. But she keeps on trying, so I think she'll be rolling over regularly soon. She is also smiling and laughing a ton. Her laugh is so great - a low, husky giggle that cracks me up every time, which in turn makes her laugh more.

I love her more and more each day and feel so lucky that she's in my life!

Christmas in PA

Chris, Ellen and I made the long drive to relatively warm Red Lion, PA on Thursday to spend Christmas with Chris's family. I was anxious about an 8 hour road trip with a 6 week old baby, and not without cause! Ellen had a pretty serious meltdown as we got stuck in some traffic as we were leaving CT, enough so that we had to get off the highway so I could hop in the back seat and try to soothe her. Even though I was ready to call it quits and head home (with visions of an additional 4 hours of Ellen crying on the way to PA and maybe an additional 8 hours of crying on the way home), Chris wisely encouraged us to continue, and Ellen konked out soon thereafer for most of the remainder of the trip. We made it to PA about 11pm, and I'm glad to be here with the larger family, rather than home with our smaller family. I'm sure we'll start to develop holiday traditions of our own, but for this first Christmas as a family of three, it's good to be with Chris's family.

This is the third Christmas I've spent away from my family, and I can't say it's getting much easier. I absolutely treasure spending the Christmas holiday in Minnesota with my parents, sister and her family, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. But I trust that next year's Christmas celebration in MN when we'll be with my family again will be just as fun as all the past years. It will probably be even more fun for me than it would be this year since Ellen is still pretty unpredictable and tends to melt down in the evening hours - right when we'd be enjoying Christmas Eve dinner. So I'm looking forward to bringing a 13 month old Ellen to MN for Christmas next year!

Ellen has treated her parents to two wonderful Christmas gifts - two nights of long stretches of uninterrupted sleep! On Thursday, she went down soon after we arrived and slept from 12:15am - 6:45am. 6 1/2 hours was by far the longest she has slept in a row - she previously topped out at nearly 5 hours, and that was for only a couple of nights a couple of weeks ago. Chris and I had a serious conversation at about 6:15am about whether she was okay and if we should go check on her. Of course she was fine! "They" say that babies can start sleeping long stretches around 6 weeks of age, so I guess she's right on track. And if one night wasn't enough, she slept last night from 9:30pm - 4:45am. Over 7 hours! Now, I never really thought I would be so excited about 7 hours of sleep, but I also never thought seriously about what life with a newborn would really be like. Your world definitely changes when you have a baby!

We still have some sleep challenges with Ellen looming on the horizon. First, she's been sleeping in her bouncy chair in her crib since she has reflux and wakes up quickly if she's lying flat on her back. But the bouncy chair has a limited lifespan for our long girl who's outgrowing it quickly, so we'll need to transition to the crib sooner than later - and definitely by the time I go back to work in less than 6 weeks! Second, she has been rocked or walked to sleep since day 1, so we need to teach her to fall asleep and stay asleep on her own. Any suggestions about how to tackle these are welcome!

We'll be in PA for another two nights, then head back home on Monday. It's been nice for Ellen to have some time with her Nana and PopPop, and for her Mom and Dad to get a little time to themselves. Chris and I went out sans baby last night for pizza with a couple of friends. I hadn't been away from Ellen for the past two weeks, so it definitely felt strange to be out without her. I love my girl so much, but some time away felt pretty nice. It hit home that it will be many years before I will be out again without the responsibility of finding good care for my little girl at home.

It also hit home that my tolerance for alcohol isn't what it used to be after 9 months without drinking and only a few drinks over the past 6 weeks. I had a 16oz beer along with 2 slices of pizza and definitely felt buzzed...pretty ridiculous. So perhaps that's another reason that Christmas with my family will be better next year than this year - the wine, beer, Irish coffees, and pretty much any other alcohol beverage you can think of flow freely when you're with my family :)

I'm so grateful to have Ellen in my life this Christmas. Last Christmas, I met my cousin's newborn son and couldn't stop thinking about whether Chris and I would have a child of our own this year, or any year for that matter given my difficulty getting pregnant. But it all worked out, and here we are this Christmas with our beautiful daughter. The transition to motherhood has been (and continues to be) challenging, but it's an exciting, love-filled challenge that I am grateful to be able to take on. Merry Christmas to all!

One Month Stats

At this morning's one month pediatrician visit:

Weight: 9lbs, 8 oz (50th percentile)

Length: 22 3/4" (93rd percentile)

Head Circumference: 15 1/4" (75th percentile)

Our little girl is growing well!