Dr. Visit #1: Monday, November 14. The typical two days post hospital discharge visit. Chris and I were concerned because she had been inconsolable on Saturday night - turns out my milk hadn't come in yet and our little girl was hungry! We had a couple of days of formula feeding to supplement breast feeding, which seemed to satiate her. At Monday's appointment, she had gained 4 oz from her discharge weight of 7lb 6oz to a bruising 7lb 10oz. Our doctor pronounced her perfect, and we sent happily back home.
Dr. Visit #2: Monday, November 21. I made an appointment for a weight check because it seemed like Ellen wasn't feeding well from the breast. As background, I have inverted nipples, so Ellen and I had some latch-on difficulties in the hospital and had been using a nipple shield to help. In the few days before I took her in for the weight check, she had been sucking and swallowing at the breast for only a couple of minutes before falling into a deep sleep. I had also been pumping and we would feed the expressed milk to her when she didn't seem satisfied. At the weight check, she had gained 2oz to 7lb, 12oz. This was less than the growth rate of 1/2 - 1 oz per day that the doctor wanted to see. The doctor recommended feeding pumped breast milk and supplementing with formula as needed so we could make sure she was eating enough.
While I felt vindicated that I didn't bring her in unnecessarily because of being an overly concerned first time mom, I felt horrible that Ellen wasn't getting the amount of sustenance she needed from breastfeeding, and horrible and guilty that I was moving away from breastfeeding. In all the other mom blogs I read, the moms seem to have it together from the start with their babies, and I felt like a failure. There is this huge pressure on Moms to breastfeed - it's a gold standard of parenting that I couldn't reach. Part of it is a physical failing - my nipples and Ellen's latch weren't compatible, but I can't shake the part of it that I perceive as my own lack of toughness and dedication. A few days after Ellen was born, I was exhausted, miserable and overwhelmed. Since she wasn't eating well, she was fussy, and, since I really wanted to make breastfeeding work, I was the only one who could try to feed her and calm her. This went on until I made the appointment for the weight check, and when Ellen's doctor suggested bottle feeding breast milk or formula, I felt a tremendous sense of relief that she would be adequately fed, and I wouldn't be in it alone anymore.
But in the back of my mind, I can't shake the feeling that I'm an inferior mother since I'm not going to continue breastfeeding. The last week I have been pumping every few hours, so Ellen is still getting the benefits of breast milk. But I'm not sure how long I can maintain getting up at night, feeding her with the bottle, putting her back to sleep, and then staying up to pump. And now that Chris is back to work and I'm solo during the day, finding the time to pump can be a challenge. If nothing else, she's had 3 weeks of almost exclusive breast milk. I just need to be satisfied that every little bit of breast milk is beneficial, and when we go to formula (I'm pretty confident it's a 'when' and not an 'if'), she'll do well. I have more reflections about lactation consultants (mostly not pretty reflections) that I'll have to share in a later post.
Dr. Visit #3: Friday, November 25: A weight check for Ellen after 4 days of bottle feeding, and she comes through with flying colors! Up to 8lbs 4oz - 8oz in 4 days. That's my little champ. I felt great that she's thriving with the new approach to feeding. All looks good, and she is again pronounced "beautiful".
Dr. Visit #4: Tuesday, November 29: Two days ago I noticed some discharge from Ellen's left eye, and some accumulated eye crust in the mornings and after naps. Since it hasn't gone away, I took her in today to get checked out. I left with a diagnosis of a blocked tear duct and prescription eye drops. Apparently this is not uncommon, but it's still sad to see her little eye red and irritated. Good news is that her weight is still going up well - she's up to 8lbs 10oz! And her umbilical cord stump has fully detached so tonight will be the first full bath!
And now I hear my little one waking up upstairs from her nap - off to tend to her!
Sorry to hear that you have had such a frustrating time. Nobody tells you this, but I think it's more the NORM to struggle with breastfeeding. I had a hard time BOTH times. The first time, I went back to the hospital after being discharged to work with the lactation consultants some more (sounds like you tried that already). However you end up feeding your babe, you're a good mom! But I can relate to the mom guilt--that's how I felt about wanting to have a natural birth. Not in the cards for me, and that's okay.
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